


Monster

by LiaIsInLove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, But it's about Niall, Cutting, Depersonalization, Derealization, Dissociation, Gen, Harry's POV, Harry-centric, Mental Illness, Niall Horan & Harry Styles Friendship, Niall-centric, Self Harm, Self Harming Niall, Self-Mutilation, Suicidal Thoughts, Trigger Warnings, undiagnosed mental illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-04-07 10:33:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4260042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/LiaIsInLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Sometimes…sometimes I don’t feel like I’m human anymore.  Sometimes I lose control of my body.  I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person staring back.  Because I’m not a person.  I’m a monster."</p><p>Or the one where Harry finds Niall when he's dissociating.</p><p>Trigger warnings for self harm, borderline personality disorder, dissociation, depersonalization, derealization, blood, and probably some other things that I can't think of at the moment.  PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS MIGHT IN ANY WAY HARM YOU!!!!!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monster

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGERS ABOUND!!! PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU MIGHT BE HARMED OR ENCOURAGED TO HARM YOURSELF IN ANY WAY!!!!!!
> 
> Also, I'm reposting this story because the original version was pretty sloppy and so I wanted to rewrite it and fix it up a bit. It's still definitely not my best work, but it's at least a bit better now.

“ _Oh my god! Niall!  What are you doing!_ ” Harry screamed.

Everything had been going well. They’d had a great concert and were back at the hotel.  All Harry had wanted was to go get Niall so he could join the other boys in eating pizza and playing some video games.  That’s all Harry had wanted.  He expected to walk in on Niall, strumming away at his guitar, watching some telly lazily in bed, happy as a clam.  What he hadn’t expected was to find Niall sat on the bathroom floor in a pool of blood, holding a razor to his skin.

At Harry’s cry, Niall looked up slowly. Only this wasn’t the Niall that Harry knew and loved so dearly.  This wasn’t his brother. This was some terrifying version of Niall that belonged in a horror movie, not in real life.  His face was blank, and his eyes looked dead yet somehow demonically alive.  He stared Harry straight in the eyes as he continued to drag the razor across his already bloodied skin.

Harry was so freaked out by this that he stood frozen in horror.  A twisted smile slowly crept onto Niall’s face.  Only it wasn’t a happy smile.  It was scary—fucking terrifying.  Because the rest of Niall’s face was utterly emotionless, yet this crooked smile tugged at his lips as he ripped open his flesh again and again.  

“Hello Harry,” he said in a flat voice that chilled Harry to the bone. Harry could feel the goose pimples rising along his spine, and the hairs on the back of his neck standing up.

“Niall, what are you doing?” Harry bleated once more, still in shock.

Niall’s cold laugh was hollow, “I’m killing the monsters inside my head.”

Harry’s blood ran cold.  “Stop it!” he shrilled, his voice cracking in fear.

“But it feels _wonderful_ ,” Niall breathed.  His eyes were glassy, staring off into the distance, seeing through Harry as though Harry wasn’t really there. Harry had never been so terrified in his entire life.  Where was his Niall? This wasn’t his Niall. This was some freaky possessed version of Niall.  His Niall would never look so hollow.  His Niall would never talk in a monotone voice, barely breathing each word, whispering in a haunting way. His Niall would never cut himself.  His Niall would never do this...And Harry was scared. Not just for Niall’s safety, but also for himself.  Because he didn’t know who this stranger in Niall’s body was, or what he was capable of doing. He was so fucking scared.

Niall’s blue eyes were like ice, frozen, deadened, hollow. He wasn’t blinking, just staring at Harry, a wicked smile making his face appear lopsided.

“N-Niall?” Harry stuttered, blinking rapidly, trying desperately to erase the image of Niall’s bloody corpse—no his body—burned into his retinas.  But it was no use, because when he opened his eyes, Niall’s figure was still there. Only he was closer this time, his bloody fingers outstretched, reaching towards Harry as though he wanted to strangle him.

“Isn’t it beautiful,” he whispered, his voice not sounding at all like his own.

“W-what?” Harry stammered, hurriedly backing away from Niall.

“The blood.   _My blood_.” His face lit up eerily, and the crooked smile widened.

Harry whimpered as Niall drew closer.  He didn’t want to die.  He didn’t want to die.  He didn’t want to die. “N-n-no!  Stop!  Stop it!” he shrieked.

Niall cackled.  “I can’t, Harry.  I’m being possessed by the devil.”  Harry’s heart stopped. Literally stopped. He thought he was going to have a fucking heart attack.  “And he wants me to die!  He won’t stop until I’m dead.”  Niall’s bloody fingers closed around the razor again, this time holding it to his wrist, poised to slice the vein to shreds.

Though he had never been more petrified in his life, Harry surged forward and knocked the razor out of Niall’s hand. This may not be his Niall, but it was still his Niall, or at least, his Niall’s body, and Harry couldn’t let him kill himself.

“There are other ways to die, Harry,” cackled Niall. This scared Harry even more.  But he still sprung into action the second Niall slammed his forehead on the blood soaked floor.

“ _Noooo!_ ” he screeched, grabbing Niall and holding him close, even though every instinct screamed for him to run away, for him to save himself, for him to get as far away from this monster as he could.  Niall thrashed wildly against Harry’s restraint for a moment.

Suddenly, Niall spasmed in his arms, twitching and yelping.  And then, miraculously, his Niall was back.  His blue eyes, no longer distant and empty, filled with tears.  “I’m sorry!  I’m sorry!” he wailed, trying to shove Harry away, but Harry, so utterly relieved and yet so entirely devastated, clung tighter to him.  “I’m a monster!  I deserve to die!”

“ _No!_ ” Harry growled fiercely.

When Niall finally calmed down slightly, Harry asked, “What the fuck was that?”

Niall, refusing to look at him, began to speak in a quiet, quivering voice. “Sometimes…sometimes I don’t feel like I’m human anymore.  Sometimes I lose control of my body.  I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person staring back. Because I’m not a person. I’m a monster. Sometimes I feel like someone else is making me talk, making me move, like I’m being possessed. And it feels like the devil is possessing me.  I look into my eyes and they’re empty, but I can see the devil staring back at me, telling me to pretend to be a human, telling me to hurt myself, telling me to kill myself. Sometimes I can’t fight the urges. And my hands don’t listen to my brain, because someone’s controlling my brain, and someone else is controlling my hands, and I can’t stop them from throttling me. I can’t stop them from slapping me. I can’t stop them from trying to stab me with whatever I’m holding.  Sometimes I feel like I’m evil inside.  Like the monsters in my head are taking over and tearing away at my soul, turning it into ice, killing it.  Sometimes I look at people and the monster screams at me to hurt them.  But I don’t want to hurt them.  But the monster does, and the monster’s controlling me, and what if I lose control and hurt them?  Sometimes I feel like I don’t exist, like I’m not real, that life isn’t real and it’s all just an illusion that some sick bastard is making up. Sometimes I feel like the only way out is to die.  And I’m not in control, and I can’t stop the thing, I can’t stop myself because I’m not even alive anymore, I’m possessed, a hollow shell filled with demons that want to hurt, that want to kill, that want me and everyone else dead.  And I can’t stop them.  And I’m so fucking scared, Harry.  I’m so fucking scared.”  Niall was shaking like a leaf against Harry’s chest, gasping as though he had just run from the very monsters he was describing.

Harry didn’t know what to think.  He didn’t know what to say. He just rubbed Niall’s back and whispered soothing words.  “It’s okay, Niall. I’m here for you. It’s okay.  It’s gonna be okay.  Everything’s gonna be fine.  You’re safe. We’re gonna get you checked out.  You’re okay.  I won’t let anything hurt you.  You’re safe.  It’s going to be okay.”

Harry didn’t know how anything was going to be okay. Everything was falling apart.  But still, Harry murmured words of assurance and comfort to Niall.  He couldn’t let Niall know just how fucking terrified and lost he was. Even though Niall was back with him in the room, Harry was still terrified.  Because what the fuck?  Niall was insane.  He cut himself on purpose?  He wanted to kill himself? He wanted to kill other people? Well maybe he didn’t want to kill other people but there were voices in his head telling him too, and he was having to fight the urges to do it.  Harry didn’t understand it.  And he was so scared. But he knew that no matter what, he’d stay by Niall’s side.  This was his Niall.  And Harry would never abandon him.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. So. I don't really know where this came from. 
> 
> Basically, to clarify, Niall's not being possessed by the devil, he's suffering from dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization which are all effects of his undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Obviously this is entirely fictitious and the real Niall is most likely perfectly mentally sound, but as all of you probably know by now, I find some morbid pleasure in writing him otherwise.
> 
> Some basic definitions in case you're confused.
> 
> DISSOCIATION: a disruption of the usually integrated functions of consciousness, memory, identity, or perception of the environment.  
> Yeah I know, that doesn't elucidate much. Basically, it's when you have a break from reality, and feel like you're disconnected from your body, and you space out and can't remember things, and lose track of time, and feel like you're being possessed, and lots of other fun shit.
> 
> DEPERSONALIZATION: an alteration in the perception of the external world so that it seems unreal. This is a common side effect people may feel under the influence of certain drugs, but for those suffering from dissociation, it is something which happens on its own. It is an experience of unreality of the outside world, Such was waking up and feeling like you are still dreaming, if you’ve ever experienced that.
> 
> DEREALIZATION: is very similar to depersonalization, except it’s to experience unreality of oneself rather than the world around you. It is an anomaly of self-awareness, and it may consist of a feeling of watching oneself act, while having no control over a situation. You may feel disconnected from your body completely, or at least like you are experiencing your own actions in more of a third-person point of view. Derealization and depersonalization often occur at the same time.
> 
> If you're still confused, or you just want to learn more, here is the link to a blog run by people with borderline personality disorder that does an absolutely amazing job in educating people about and helping people who suffer from BPD.  
> http://shitborderlinesdo.tumblr.com/faq  
> I know it’s a Tumblr blog, and not some ‘official’ website run by ‘professionals’ but this is by far the best resource for BPD that I have ever come across.  
> Also, feel free to send me an ask if you have any questions/comments; I’m by no means an expert, but I know a fair share about BPD and dissociation and will try my best to answer or give you further resources.
> 
> Please note that I do not want to make generalizations on what all dissociation is like. This is strictly based off of my experience with it. 
> 
> One last thing that I need to clarify: there is one line in here that says “Niall was insane.” In no way, shape, or form am I implying that having borderline personality disorder, dissociating, self harming, and/or experiencing any of the other things mentioned in the story make you crazy/insane. Having mental illness does NOT make you crazy. And it is incredibly offensive, hurtful, demeaning, and downright harmful to refer to or call someone with mental illness/displaying any of these symptoms “crazy” or “insane” or “psycho.” So in the case of this story, Harry is wrong; Niall is NOT insane. The only reason that Harry thinks that is because he is not educated about mental illness and doesn’t know any better.  
> I’m doing a terrible job explaining this but if you are interested, here is a link to an article that does a good job explaining why calling someone crazy/insane/psycho is very harmful.  
> https://betweentheborderlines.wordpress.com/2014/07/22/whats-so-bad-about-calling-someone-psycho/
> 
> Anyways, this whole story is really disjointed and all over the place and definitely not one of my better stories, so I'm really sorry for that.
> 
> I hope you're all well. Remember that you are all warriors and you can overcome everything. You are loved. You are kind. And you are important. Don't ever forget that.
> 
> If you ever need someone to talk to, or encourage you, or believe in you, or you just need a friend, I am always here for you. So please don't ever think that you are alone, because you are not. You can find me on tumblr at lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com
> 
> I love you all so much and I hope that each and every one of you find the happiness and peace in life that you deserve.
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia


End file.
